My father died 2 months ago. And being such a beautiful man, I want to bring justice to the pain of his heart, so that he and others may thrive in their nature of love.
Cheers to you and your loving heart Dad! Here’s the letter to “the county social workers” that you wanted. And there may be more, for my life is so much based on your pain that was the deepest of loves desiring to be honored, met seen and known. I know what you mean! And I wish for humanity to come alive in their nature of love, for it’s the most beautiful experience of life on earth. It’s why we’re here IMHO… Much Love!
This is a letter I wrote to my father’s social worker during his weeks in hospice:
Hi Brian, thank you for the help with my father’s last days. I was just remembering how you asked me if I needed help and if I needed anything in front of my family, and I felt for the first time, the care that I’ve longed for, rather than being shamed or blamed or hearing other people’s sadness or anger. You genuinely cared about if I was okay and if I needed anything. I appreciate that and it touched my heart. I know my family intends well in all they do, their pain is/was their way of showing their love. I am very happy that I was finally able to pierce that veil with my loving father and experience the love that is our nature in the last few years, weeks and days. it was a very beautiful, loving transition that my father had, and I was happy I could be there to share the transformational gifts that I have been sharing elsewhere in the world. I’m glad he was open, and I could see the loving care in his yes, the understanding, and that my songs and words quelled fears and discomfort of death, while sharing the depth of love and joy of having such a father of integrity, justice and care. I sang in his ear songs of gratitude and wonder of the life he gave, and of the space he was going and spoke words of beauty and unconditional love in his ears, and shared a guided meditation when he could no longer speak about him letting go of his pain on a boat and watching the boat sail away with all the burdens he was carrying in this lifetime and that he could release them now. And though he wasn’t speaking and his breathing was heavy at that time, he did one peaceful exhale at that time, so I feel that he heard it, experienced it, and was indeed relieved. A breath, a deep long gaze in the eyes and his last words were so beautiful. When I was singing in his ears when he seemed to have resigning to his experience, he had stopped talking, and opening his eyes, I was singing in his ears, I called my brother to come over and be present with him because he was really trying hard to open his eyes and was responding, and I felt this a key moment, my Dad, Ben, gazed into my eyes with his changing eyes, darkened, the lids surrounding his eyes obtrusively, and he gazed into my eyes for a few long moments, of surprise, wonder and seeming in awe of the beauty of his own daughter singing such lovely songs to him about the beauty of life, his life and his amazing impact on life the life and world around him that he made in the most beautiful, loving, wondrous way.. he saw the truth, that he was seen and loved for the great man he is and was, and how he’s honored and loved, and that he was losing his life, and we were present with his heart and soul passing through the change of life to death, this peaceful and loving transition.
He saw the love in my eyes, as I smiled to him and nodded, yes, I know, he knows, we know, and he’s going to a beautiful place.. he closed his eyes and whispered, ” I love you.” This was the last thing he said, and I was the last person he saw. this was so beautiful to experience. All I ever wanted was my father to feel and know the love inside me, and himself! and I’m sure he did now. This moment of death, he was able to see and understand me, my talent, my passion and my love for him and life. I could see that he finally felt the love. And this meant so much to me. I am so happy I was able to be a Death Transformation Doula for my Dad as much as my family would be open to it, and that I could see and experience his love. I have studied transformation and I was able to share with him what I have done for others in their transformative space and gifted processes. I only wish he or my family were open to this before, they do not understand. Yet my father understood in his time of need. I still wish the rest of my family understood. Yet this is why I’m creating courses, podcasts, media, experiences and technology to support this.
Do you know of any funds that can help me, grants or services that can help a female entrepreneur who wants to help people thrive? And people like my beautiful father to discover the love that is their nature before they die. And women / children or anyone whose molested and raped to find solace and sanctuary in their bodies again? I have been on my own journey to heal this as I had little to no support from my family, while carrying the burden and shame of not “being in the system” and discovering a way to heal that didn’t include money. I basically meditated to not commit suicide and to stay alive and heal, and to find my center, and to release the toxicity of MPD and psychopaths who drugged, abused and molested me, etc. I did not have the money, nor knowledge of how to get help, so I went to school and meditated. I’ve come along way. And I believe that there’s funding, grants and help for a woman like me who has healed quite a bit, can help heal people and also would like to continue her healing. I have looked at a few programs, yet I’ve been so without money for so many years, I’ve just been in panic mode, and was trying to not to kill myself for awhile there. Unfortunately, I am healing the feeling of family ridicule and shame that doesn’t seem to want to support my healing, rather remain in pain and blame.
My father’s death has shown me how I actually am the person that the people in my family would honor, so, it’s about sharing who and what I am and about without hiding now, without feeling the pain of the ridicule, abandonment, shame and blame. I am a strong and potent woman, and I’d like to share that beauty and love in the world and I’ve been studying it for years.
I have signed up again for Covered California. I have tried several times now when I was here in NorCal and there in SoCal so it seems to be confused and I have to call.
I am wondering if you took notes on the last conversations with my father, I would like to know his beauty. I know you mentioned his anger. Yes, i feel that killed him. yet I also study the root of disease and believe that the lifestyle including the mindset is a great part of it. I wish my father could have healed his pain, and he was doing it, yet it was too late for him to fully recover, though I tried to help him for years. I wish I could have healed my own pains earlier, so I could have helped my father heal his earlier, and he would have had less pain throughout his adult life. I hope that he has a better life/space/journey wherever he goes free from the body that Ben Lochtenbergh, a most beautiful, caring and loving father had. I’m so lucky to have a father that cared so much. No matter what form it comes in, it’s the care that counts, and with him, it was the most beautiful integrous, honest care that he could possibly have. He was the upgrade of the previous generation and of what he withstood as a child of his family who survived World War II in Amsterdam. He is a man who ought to be proud of how he stood, how he cared, how he tended to his family, how he loved and even, how he was in pain. I am so proud of him, and feel so lucky to have him as a father. Because the bond that lasts beyond what happens is the bond of spirit and the love that ties us in relation to each other. The family ties of love and care are what ought to be looked after in social work more than what the outcomes and repercussions of processes and experiences are. If there is genuine love and care there, the root of all healing and wholeness is there. And if our system supported that before looking at what the circumstances are, we’d have much healthier relations everywhere. This is my opinion and my experience with my father, it’s also his. He was a man who wasn’t respected as much as a beautiful heart and soul ought to be on earth, and this was his sadness and anger, and his troubles that were the problems of his life that eventually killed him. I as his daughter have been on the long term plan to help humanity come live in their hearts and souls through conscious evolution through dialogue, courses, experiences, media and technology. I’ve been on this path for my entire life, and I have yet to be funded, supported or helped. It’s time to be funded and make this real. I have $8 USD in my bank account, braces I can’t adjust, teeth that are not in good condition, and it’s ridiculous for me to wait for the $1k/month that I will get for a year or two from my father, or that one of his dying wishes, that I get some of his money to support my life, be what is my “end all.” Because it’s not. And it’s sad that that’s what my father thought of me, yet he didn’t understand my life because we didn’t get the support to tend to our relationship as father and daughter, instead, it was torn apart. So he never knew my mission, my love, my care because he was so distraught at being blamed of being a bad father. He was not a bad father at all. He was one of the most loving, caring men on earth, and believe me, I’ve traveled the world to see what’s out there and to heal from my pain. He was one of the most deep human beings I’ve ever met. It’s so sad that that beauty, that love, that depth was not supported to find his healing with his family, instead, as a man, he was blamed, accused and basically called unfit to be my father. I didn’t say that, all I said is that he yelled and that I was scared — i was scared of everything!! That’s ALL I COULD SAY! As a child just beginning to speak her emotions, the only thing I could say is that I was scared. And that, just by saying my first thing ever in counseling, I lost my father. That hurt us. that hurt me, that hurt him. I never got counseling, therapy or support after that, and my Dad lost his life in depression, pain and disease. So did I actually. I have not had a “normal” life. I didn’t get to grow up, and I have physical ailments that no one has helped me with except myself and meditation. Instead, I found more people to use me and abuse me and continued to be a victim. I don’t come from a family who are “low” and ought to be looked at as “poor people.” We are a proud people, we are strong, potent, adventurous and full of deep, deep love. Because of the lack of trust of my family, I didn’t know who to trust, I certainly didn’t trust “the county,” social workers, psychologists or men — they were the ones who hurt my life! So… I’ve been on a long road, and meditation is what has showed me what’s inside of me, and also, what’s inside of others. What people’s intentions are, and what their pains are. I’ve seen the most pained, abused men in the world — beyond what I could have ever imagined — I have seen their sorrows, their confusion, their loss, their hearts and souls.. and I have seen their history. I have seen how there’s so little support for men, and so much blame. I see how my father has been a part of this experience, and how I as a young woman lost the love, bond, and protection of my father due to a political history of emotion that is a hidden war of people against people, women against men, men against women, class against class, etc. It’s just a bunch of hurt and confused people having no idea what triggers them how and why, where their thoughts, feelings, emotions are coming from, and often blame others rather than shifting their own inner experience. this is how meditation helps, and there are many transformational techniques, and this is what I’ve studied, experienced and done all I can to heal — because it’s free!! And it’s so potent. And sometimes there’s also more help in those circles and you’re not expected to obey an authority outside yourself, for the experience is within… No matter how connected it is to the source, god, goddess, divinity, all, one. we are having a human experience of divine proportions.
I was not expecting to write this much, and I thank you if you actually read this and I commend you. I want to justify my Dad’s heart and soul, such a beautiful man who deserved all the love in the world, as do I and so, so , so many beautiful, wonderful and divine hearts and souls embodied. This is our revolution, this is our evolution. This is humanity rising into the golden age of unconditional love and support, care and thriving creation. This is the dream vision of my friends, associates and I. And.. this is our purpose on earth right now. I believe I’ve had this experience with my dear Dad, a beautifully divine man, so full of love, to know the pain that earth is going through right now. And in my own experience, it is indeed the lost of the love and man and woman, and how we may tend to our family’s. My Dad wanted a healthy family, and when it fell apart, he was at a loss and had no support. I believe we can create the support that people need through the movement of technology for humanity — conscious technology. I’ve been studying it for 50 years. There are so many people who would like a chance to be the love that is their nature, and this is what makes life on earth so amazing. I want them to have that chance, and technology can help serve the potential. Things are just going to get crazier here if we don’t.
If you know of support groups, grants, funds, women entrepreneur groups or organizations that can support my cause, my company and my life to help create this, thank you so much. And yes, it would be great to take care of my teeth and body too..
Thank you again. So much. I hope your father is doing well, or is okay, and I hope to hear from you no matter how long or short. I appreciate you being the social worker who was there for my father, and that you are so kind and genuine. I hope that your father realizes what a great and special man that you are, and that you are able to be there for him in his time of need. Let me know if you want anything, like, I don’t know, if you want to connect with him through the ether, spirit world, cosmic entanglement or mirror neurons. That’s what I do and it helps. it helps release the bonds of pain, which are contracts that are energetic handshakes of agreement about a way of feeling, thinking of being… When we change, they change. We just must remember the core — the unconditional love that is our nature and theirs. Forgive them for they know not what they do. And, if they’re human, they’re love embodied….
with divine, unconditional love