Habibi.
It doesn’t help to think about our ancestors, and our predecessors, our parents, grandparents, those who created the legacy that we live under, through and around, to think of them in a bad light, or as we thank them to be hunched over, or not connected to the ground, no matter what traumas happened to us anytime in our lifetime.
My father just died, my Daddio, my beloved man of unconditional familial love, the one who was meant to protect and honor me and take care of me so I could be a grounded, connected, loving and giving person to this world and serve as a good human to society.
He couldn’t always be there due to inter-familial challenges which were not his fault.
As I sit here at the 3:03 time I touch my heart and feel my dad, our relationship, his purity, his beauty, his spirit, his love, his grace, his loss of life, his meaning to life, our family and me..
And, I realize, my body is contorted some, and I am not entirely sitting up straight, or more like, aligned. Straight is one thing, aligned and in balance is another. I find that I am out of balance I am no tusing my hips, as I sit here, thinking, loving and feeling my Dad and remembering the grace of his life touching mine
I’d rather sit on my buttox, not my lower back, use my hips as they’re meant to be.
My legs and I still find ourselves in a sort of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – lacking grounding, and feeling like fleeing or freezing or kicking and screaming… Or all of it at once.
One leg, my right one and hip is in perpetual flight so much so, that when I get down to releasing the tension, I notice that there’s mini-kicks that my right hip is doing. I didn’t even know about that part until recently, except that my entire body became contorted with scoliosis at the age of 14.
I found out in a Mushroom ceremony how much my hips were still lost in the flight of wanting to get away when being raped repeatedly when I was a child by a non-family member who lived in our house.
My right leg has been kicking and running for years on end, whereas my left leg and hip is like a lump, stuck, not moving, frozen, siting there. Not to mention the other parts of my body that I’ve discovered through self-inquiry, meditation and multiple techniques to shift my experience of my body, that became stuck in fear with severe PTSD.
Can you imagine, for those of you who have not been raped, what our bodies go through? We want to flee, and yet we’re stuck, being forced, our body is in pain, we’re seizing, spasming and gurgling, we can’t breathe, we don’t want it to flow, the feeling that’s being pushed upon our sensitive body, so we’re stopping it, as hard as possible, to feel the feeling, of being invaded, preventing it, the feeling, however we can, for this is not their body, for we didn’t consent, we didn’t decide that this is what we wanted or needed…. And in fact, we don’t at all, in fact, as a child, our first sexual experience would likely be preferred to be with someone we choose when we’re prime and ready.
This is not the way to be primed for a healthy life, nor sexual experience which is the ultimate seed of creation for everyone on earth.
My body, my life, my eggs, my choice. Or not?
My ancestors. My true ancestors, my father and his lineage, my mother and hers, did not create and procreate so their children could lose their lives, forget how to walk and what they came here for.. They are people of substance, people of love, people of the earth, people of magic, people of integrity, people with power and potency, people with beauty, people with a royal ancestral lineage that is connected to the best of this earth, people who, through the systems and powers that were.. were thrown into the throes of cultures, societies and ways that were not a grace for the potency of their family, instead, was a bane and a pain.. though they came through as best they could, they lost their dreams, and did all the could to survive and thrive, and they’ve done pretty well. and that’s why I’m here to tell the story.. after years of my own shifting, my own choice, discovering who I naturally am, and why I came here, and why did these things happen and why was I born into this family at this time, and what is my purpose with all my passion, all my dreams, all my visions, all my experiences, creations and love, my love, my love, my love….
Well, my ancestors, and my recently deceased father, I am sure would rather see me, in their highest, most potent and beautiful and unconditionally loving vision, that of soul, would rather, that when I consider and think about them, that I am in a position of love, in a posture, of my nature, in a creation that is my own and is not stuck in a rut of constant fight, flight or freeze, like my body was, and I’ve spent years, learning how to unravel.
So, with my daily alarm set to around the time I was born, I honor my father, I honor, I honor the best of my lineage, the best of our people, the integrity of our most beautiful truth coming alive, by when I touch my heart, I will connect my hips to the ground of the seat I am in, or my feet the ground of the earth I stand.
As I feel my position on this earth, I raise my head to the sky, I open my heart with all my love and I feel the bones, the cartilage, the sinew of my body as it courses through to it’s own divinely embodied flow, this temple of mine, I call you to the best the best version of yourself now. And with this, I will hear what is here for me, I will act with intention what it here for me to create, and I will relate with all who love and honor the gifts, I, and my beautiful, pure, potent, spirited embodiment on this earth may convey and create. I am a creator of my reality, and I honor my ancestors, my father, my mother, all my family and all my friends by being the shining embodied temple of me now.
And from here, I reconnect to the spirit of the people alive and those who’ve come before me who have walked this earth in love for life, their life and the life of those around them.
May this unconditional love and believe in humanity on earth now, be ignited in our every step, word and gesture as we walk, dance and sing our way through life from here on out.
And so it is, all degrees of separation are now degrees of unity in the field of universal love or Agape, that we create, tap into and enjoy together.
Be well beloveds, habibi!
(My Dad will be proud of me for getting my blog going in the light of love rather than pain, and just doing it in my own space rather than publishing to Medium or Substack! Though we’ve started designing those spaces, they’re not ready yet..)
